Goal.com takes a tongue-in-cheek look at what is in store on Saturday at the Bernabeu...
| 10. Inter are forced to travel to Madrid by coach after the dust kicked up from their European trophy cabinet renders Milan a 'no fly zone'. |
9. On the day of the final, the current Milan squad wins the annual Legends Match in the city centre against a team featuring Giovanni Trapattoni, Udo Lattek and Alfredo Di Stefano. Goals from Giuseppe Favalli, Pippo Inzaghi and and penalty save from Dida are enough to give the out-of-breath and shambling Rossoneri the victory.
8. Mario Balotelli and Mario Gomez take their battle for the sobriquet 'SuperMario' to whole new heights. After failing to receive a pass, Balotelli cries on the pitch, removes his shirt and attempts to walk back home before being reminded that it is the pre-match warm up. Gomez comes on as a substitute and puts a ball so far over the crossbar that it ends up in the Vicente Calderon. He attempts to kick himself for wasting the chance but misses. He then falls, claiming a penalty.
7. Serbia's Dejan Stankovic dances a shuttlebug on Bastian Schweinsteiger's ankle before ringing Kevin-Prince Boateng and telling him that 'phase two' of the 'plan' is complete. Later, an Australian tourist is reported to have poked Philipp Lahm in the eye.
6. Florentino Perez steals the real European Cup and replaces it with a replica from the Real Madrid trophy room. In one year and one day's time, he will claim to have the right to possess the cup forever and proclaim Real Madrid 'eternal champions'.
5. The German press attacks UEFA's decision to appoint an English referee in the wake of some questionable calls.
4. The Italian press attacks UEFA's decision to appoint an English referee in the wake of some questionable calls.
3. Diego Maradona attends the match and suggests that Diego Milito still has a tiny chance of beating Martin Palermo to the Argentina starting line-up after il Principe scores a hat-trick. On his way out of the stadium, el Pibe d'Oro runs over Michel Platini's leg on his mobility scooter before branding the UEFA president an 'a**hole'.
2. Impressed by what he sees on the pitch the Real Madrid president makes a 120m bid for both Arjen Robben and Wesley Sneijder, declaring that the Dutchmen are 'just the type of players that Real Madrid need.' He later places Xabi Alonso and Kaka on the transfer list for 8m each.
1. Jose Mourinho is issued a parking ticket for not only placing Inter's team bus in front of their goal but also for leaving his car in the space marked ENTRENADOR: REAL MADRID...
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